Monday, March 31, 2008

Luddic Research announces UnHedged Fund(tm).

Growing tired of snatching(after ample warning) candy from children,Turkeys, Ostrich, Sheep, Experts and other such clueless pretenders, who strangely, continue to proudly enroll and throng Flat Earth Society's doors (minus the candy), we today launched an UnHedged Fund(tm) to make some serious coin off this semi literate bunch of masochistic rabble.

Well, what really tipped the point today, was an inhouse research algorithm that threw out some interesting results :

  • 96% of the market "investors"/traders were the bottom 10% of their academic classes (the few who actually attended any classes,that is).
  • 99.2% of financial advisers,experts etc. had completely failed in making any money off their own advise and had only fixed salaries or commissions to keep them off the streets.
  • 82% of these market advisers/experts had been publicly humiliated by their spouses after (yet again) losses due to eating own pudding.Thus, lately 100% of these never traded their own opinion.
  • 98.9% of local brokers and brokerage houses were headed by academic and social laggards whose median education hovered around matriculation(grade 9 actually) and who had had suffered serious ridicule from the fairer sex during their impressionable years. Consequently a lot of their trading behavior was aimed at enhancing their (self image of) male attractiveness.
  • 100% of foreign funded (FIIs,Hedge funds,PE,etc.) had ranks populated with young, testosterone fueled Yoyos, who loved to "network", "research" and "value-add" until they started touching(when no one was looking) random objects to see if same actually turned into gold. Strangely, "investors" usually did not notice the risk, even at this stage.
  • 98.8% of all intelligent,professionally qualified Indians never consider opting for "Stock markets" as a career(largely due to unsavory,very misshapen, promoters with garish,crass tastes in interior decor). So they opt for yuppie careers selling soaps, being bankers, coding CRM trinkets, or just being "managers" good at "managing". If at all,the lowest percentile, ends up as research warm bodies in "professional" broking houses with excellent "target price" and "outperform" skills(these are the announce and pray group and have volatile careers).
  • Lastly, it is now projected that Homo Sapiens(predominant stock market players) may not learn anything from History till about the year 2105.
Succumbing to the mind numbing opportunity as above, we decided to extrapolate our team with a strategic mix of out-of-the-box market beaters, as the team structure shows :
  • Ludus: Commander-in-Chief for busting "stay-the-course" long term investors who fall into "weak beliefs, strongly held" majority(this market is big).
  • Chief Economist: Lawrence Yun was by far the only good choice for precise(and brave) hand holding in these uncertain times.(Also he was having a rough time going out in public without young mothers asking him to make a prediction for their toddlers to laugh at.. though he attributes this to pure racism).Our decision purely rests on our planned expansion into real estate plays and his insights will be invaluable.
  • Research Head: Mary Meeker has graciously accepted to be part of our deeply "fundamental" jargon spewing,extrapolation experts armed with 256 digit screen calculators. She caught our eye with very bullish projections on anything "Ambani". (In fact she projected Reliance gas *finds* to "surprise" us well into year 2050 as well as Reliance Biosciences cloning 6 identical Mukesh Ambanis with permanent jet black hair(no dye needed)..and endless growth for group.
  • Trading Team: 3 Dart throwing circus monkeys ( have consistently shown beat-the -market performance in back tests).Plus they accepted to be paid in bananas (though payable daily).
We are confident this diversified core team will quickly create new inefficiencies in the market and enable us to quickly join the return free risks orgy in the markets.

Why UnHedged Fund you ask?.. well let me say we just love naked positions at Luddic Research !!


Bala said...

This guy would be a great addition to the UnHedged fund

Max Dama said...


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